vaveyla
vaveyla

Vaveylâ II

(çığlık)

-Ve zaman usulca fısıldadı, “bana bırak.”

Metrobüsün yavaş yavaş durmasıyla beraber karakterimiz kendine gelmişti. Teker teker İnsanlara şöyle bir göz gezdirdi. İlk başlarda etrafına tiksintiyle bakıyordu, çünkü mutsuzdu… Herkesin onun gibi olmasını istiyordu bencilce… Ama bu düşünce ne zaman aklına gelse kızıyordu kendisine ve iç sesiyle –bencilliğiyle- savaştıktan sonra bakış açısını değiştirerek, etrafına daha pozitif bir şekilde bakmaya başlamıştı. Ne kadar güzelleşmişti her şey, metrobüste ağlayan bebeğin sesi bile kulağına hoş gelmeye başlamıştı. Zira yolculuğun başından beri ağlıyordu bebek. İlk anlar da bebeğe, “Sus be! Yeter artık!” diyesi geliyordu. İşte tam bu sırada –durdu- ve ne kadar çirkince bir düşünce olduğunu fark etti. Ama bunları söyleyen o değildi ki, bilakis içindeki (o)ydu. Sonra, “Acaba kafamın içinde kaç kişi var, her kafadan bir ses çıkıyor gibi ama hepsi aynı tonda? Galiba bir tane var. Evet, evet bir tane var! Çok arsız bir şey bu, onu zapt etmek imkânsız! Madem konuşmasını engelleyemiyorum bende söylediklerini yapmam”, diye düşündü. Kahramanımız, iyi olmak için sürekli (o)nunla mücadele ediyordu. Hatta az önce “Bebekli kadınlar metrobüse binip, insanları neden rahatsız ediyorlar” diyen iç sesine karşı, bebeğe abidik gubidik hareketler yapıp güldürmeye çalışıyordu. Bir nevi nispetti bu (o)ya, gerçi bebek onun hareketlerini takmıyordu ama bu önemli değildi. Mühim olan güzel görmekti/görebilmekti. Kimsenin ne düşündüğü değil!

Tam bu sırada bir anda içindeki (o) konuşmaya başladı:

-Ee hani insanların ne düşündüğü önemliydi, benden sıkılmıştın?

-Güzellik farklı, insan olabilmek farklı şey ve git başımdan..

-Doğru söyleyeni dokuz köyden kovarlarmış. Sana onuncu köyden sesleniyorum.

– Nereden buluyorsun bu sözleri?

– Bilinçaltıma kazınmış ne yapabilirim.

-Altımıza!

-Her neyse işte, altımıza! Hafıza bu, sosyal medya da boş boş gezinen ben değilim.

-Peki.

-Yuh be, ben sesin iç sesinim, insan iç sesine hiç trip atar mı?

-Atar, senin gibi iç sesine atılır, bir sus be bir sus!

-İmkânsız…

-Biliyorum!…

Allah’ım nasıl da değişik bir yapım var, acaba deli olabilir miyim? diye düşündü karakterimiz. Yaşadığı bu duruma anlam veremiyordu. Lakin (o) ile ettiği muhabbetten sonra da, “Tövbe Estağfurullah” diyerek tatlı bir tebessüm etmeyi de ihmal etmedi.

Tüm bu düşüncelerden sonra karakterimiz kendine gelmiş ve ineceği son durağa yaklaşmıştı. Ama metrobüsün içine iğne atsan yere düşmeyecek vaziyetteydi. Acele etmeden havalı bir şekilde –sanki buranın tek akıllısı oymuş edasında- koltuğunda oturuyordu. Metrobüste insanlar indikten sonra kaldırıma yavaşça adımını attı ve “beş dakika daha bekleyemediniz dimi, ne gerek vardı birbirinizi ezmeye? Bak tertemiz indim aşağıya” diyerek kaldırımda yürümeye başladı. Tam gişelerden çıkacaktı ki karşısına mendil satan bir çocuk geldi ve “Abla/abi mendil alır mısınız?” diye söyledi. Kahramanımız için o an bütün dünya durmuştu, için için ağlamaya başladı (o) ile beraber, belli etmeden, sessizce. Ne kadar büyük bir acıydı bu tatlı gözlerin ona mendil satmak istemesi… Kızcağızın minik elleri ve kısacık tırnakları vardı, elleri soğuktan çatlamış olacak ki derisi pul pul olmuştu. Dişleri de süt dişi olacak ki bir tanesi yeni çıkmaya başlamıştı. Sağ tarafındaki gamzesi, sol tarafındaki gamzeye nispetle daha belirgindi. Ayaklarında eski bir de ayakkabı vardı, saçları kıvırcık ve koşuşturmalardan olacak ki birbirine girmişti. Çok tatlıydı kızcağız, adeta âşık olmuştu bu masumiyete! Elinden tutup evine götürmek istedi miniği, adeta velisi olmak, koruyucu ailesi olmak istiyordu kızcağızın. Evet, bu onun en doğal hakkıydı, çünkü böyle bir melek nasıl olurda dilendirilirdi. Kıyafetleri arkadaşlarıyla oyun oynarken kirleneceği yerde, dışarıda mendil sattırıyorlardı! Nasıl olabilirdi bu, nasıl?! Bu düşüncelerin hepsi saniyeler içerisinde oluşmuştu. Ve en sonunda kendine geldiğinde suratını başka yöne çevirmişti. Kızcağıza yardım edemediği için kahroluyordu yüreği, param parça oluyordu tüm bedeni. Sürekli böyle hissediyordu aslında çünkü her adım başı sabi kaynıyordu, çocukları bu denli severken onlar için hayalet gibi olmak/olmaya çalışmak dünyanın en zor görevlerinden bir tanesiydi herhalde. Neden para vermeyeceği konusunda uzun süre önce karar kılmıştı aslında; parayı verdiği zaman nereye-kime gittiğini bilmiyordu, belki çocukların fazla kazanmadığını gören –alçaklar!-  onları çalıştırmazlar diye düşünmüştü. Cimri bir karakter değildi kahramanımız, aksine kalbi çok temiz bir insandı. Çocuklara para vermiyordu ama onun yerine, cebinde her daim bulundurduğu çikolatalardan veriyordu. Elinde oldukça boş geçmiyordu kimseyi… İşte mendil satan kızcağıza da çikolatalarından vermediği için üzülmüştü, “keşke verebilseydim, belki yüzündeki o tebessümü görürdüm. Gamzeleri üzüntüden değil de sevinçten çıkıverirlerdi ortaya, işte dünya o zaman birkaç saniyeliğine durur ve güzelleşirdi. O Tatlı yanaklardaki gamzeler gittiğindeyse dünya kaldığı yerden devam edebilirdi, en azından benim için…” diye düşündü. Kendini sirkeledi ve bu ruh halinden bir an önce çıkmak için başka şeyler düşünmeye odaklandı. Başarılı da olmuştu aslında, hayat, o kadar hızlı ilerliyordu ki belli bir düşüncede/ruh halinde kalmaya müsaade etmiyordu. Zaman her şey ve herkes için kısıtlıydı…

 

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